Being myself?
This post is probably going to be corny as hell. I'll try for it not to be, but it probably still will.
I realised something this week, something that started out with a bad night and a conversation with my parents. I won't lie, I've been having a long battle with a mood disorder, and bad nights like that happen a lot, sometimes it leads to my parents comforting me, sometimes it leads to fights. Both happen because they love me.
But this night especially they gave me something valuable (they have probably said it before, but with depression, you're not always willing to listen and believe the people trying to be there for you throughout all of it). But my parents told me, they have not expectations from me, they just want me to be myself. I don't need to change, just be myself. And I cried back at them that I didn't know who that was.
I've been thinking a lot, lately, about who I am and trying to find out who that person really is. I've slowly been realising that things that I used to believe to be true about myself turned out not to be and I had no idea anymore who I was.
But tonight I realised something, maybe I don't need to find out who "myself" is. I don't need to "find"myself, I was never lost. I've been right here all along. Sure I covered her up, put her away, adapted her to what I thought was expected of me, but I was still here, through all of it, feeling, experiencing, reacting, loving, crying.
I used to have a therapist especially concerned with me finding out who I was. She really liked to prove to me that I had no idea who I was. She asked me, "Who are you?" constantly, "Who is Janne?" and I opened my mouth to answer, and nothing came out. "See!" she said, as if my silence proved something.
And, yes, maybe I don't have the exact words to describe who I am, but does anyone? I mean, I can say that I am short, I am shy, I love movies and books, but words can only get me so far. Language is limited. Do you really find out who you are by finding the words? I don't think that's true. (I left this therapist, by the way)
I think I find out who I am, not by finding the words, but by living, by thinking, by reacting, by doing the things I love, by spending time with the people that make me happy, and I'm already well on my way to doing that. So who I am I? I am me. I am all my feelings, all my thoughts, all the things that I cannot describe in words. That doesn't mean that I am lost, I am just lost for words, because they don't exist.
I realised something this week, something that started out with a bad night and a conversation with my parents. I won't lie, I've been having a long battle with a mood disorder, and bad nights like that happen a lot, sometimes it leads to my parents comforting me, sometimes it leads to fights. Both happen because they love me.
But this night especially they gave me something valuable (they have probably said it before, but with depression, you're not always willing to listen and believe the people trying to be there for you throughout all of it). But my parents told me, they have not expectations from me, they just want me to be myself. I don't need to change, just be myself. And I cried back at them that I didn't know who that was.
I've been thinking a lot, lately, about who I am and trying to find out who that person really is. I've slowly been realising that things that I used to believe to be true about myself turned out not to be and I had no idea anymore who I was.
But tonight I realised something, maybe I don't need to find out who "myself" is. I don't need to "find"myself, I was never lost. I've been right here all along. Sure I covered her up, put her away, adapted her to what I thought was expected of me, but I was still here, through all of it, feeling, experiencing, reacting, loving, crying.
I used to have a therapist especially concerned with me finding out who I was. She really liked to prove to me that I had no idea who I was. She asked me, "Who are you?" constantly, "Who is Janne?" and I opened my mouth to answer, and nothing came out. "See!" she said, as if my silence proved something.
And, yes, maybe I don't have the exact words to describe who I am, but does anyone? I mean, I can say that I am short, I am shy, I love movies and books, but words can only get me so far. Language is limited. Do you really find out who you are by finding the words? I don't think that's true. (I left this therapist, by the way)
I think I find out who I am, not by finding the words, but by living, by thinking, by reacting, by doing the things I love, by spending time with the people that make me happy, and I'm already well on my way to doing that. So who I am I? I am me. I am all my feelings, all my thoughts, all the things that I cannot describe in words. That doesn't mean that I am lost, I am just lost for words, because they don't exist.
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